struggle

It is 12:03am, and I can't sleep.

So many thoughts are running through my head. Mostly related to Isaac and his upcoming birthday. How quickly he is growing up. The new transitions we will be facing in the upcomming year. If he is feeling ok after a very difficult few days.
Lets start with the croup. After I blew off his wheezing, my mom finally convinced me to take him to the doctor, and sure enough he had a very bad case of croup. Dr. Shulman suggested an injection of steroids followed by an oral dose for two days. Isaac who was already under the weather, did not cope well with the injection, or the entire doctor office experience. Both mommy and son left very shaken.
There are few moments as a parent when you feel truly helpless. When all you can do is be there to comfort your child, to tell them the truths of life, and to do your best to explain what is going to happen and why it needs to happen. After promosing Isaac in the waiting room that we weren't at the doctors for a shot, and then watching his expression as he learned he needed one, I felt that I truly let him down. All I could do was explain that I made a mistake, and learn that those types of promises are just not within my power to make.
The croup seems to be on the mend after a few scary days of difficult breathing and very dark eyes. As I lay in bed tonight staring at the ceiling my mind started racing to preschool. The transition to, and the changes that come with it. I feel so lucky to have been able to spend as much 'at home' time with Isaac as I have. I absolutely see the value in his starting preschool, the lessons he will learn, the socialization... but everytime I think about dropping him off, and parting ways, tears start to well up in my eyes. As fiercly independant as he is at home, he has always been slow to warm at school. He is kind, observant, introverted, and very attached to me. He has not yet caught onto how to stick up for himself, and I know there are kids that will take advantage of his easy going nature. The motherbear in me wants to always be there to protect him, and teach him how to deal with difficult sitations. The reality is... without me, he will be forced to learn how to cope with those situations in his own way. I can only hope that his new teachers will understand and respect who he is, a very special little person, and help guide him through all the struggles that come his way.
Struggle is so important. It teaches us how to problem solve, and become confidant human beings. I have always encouraged Isaac to try and work through his struggles independantly. If he needs help, I try to guide him. My hope is this new journey provides him with enough resistance to grow, enough support to stand tall, and enough variety of experience to have fun in a social setting.
Mostly, I just hope he knows how much I love him. That I am not abandoning him. And that the bond we share, the lessons I have tried to teach him as a parent, and the respect that I show him each and every day helps to make the expereince a positive one for the both of us. As Isaac enters his first year of school I am sure it will be a learning experience for the both of us, and one that can only make us stronger.