No More Training Wheels

Isaac has been riding a bike with training wheels since he was three. Neither David or I are big bikers, so it wasn't a priority to take the training wheels off. We also live in an area with steep incline, so it is an ordeal to ride a bike. We have to pack it up in the trunk, and drive somewhere. Its not the way I learned how to ride a bike when I was a kid - step out your front door and start pedaling.
We knew that this birthday we wanted to get Isaac a new big bike. I originally was going to order one online, and I am so glad that we didn't. We went to a couple bike stores and tried several bikes until we found one that fit him like a glove. The man at the bike shop, who was very knowledgeable, told us that we had our work cut out for us. He thought we had waited a little too long to start teaching Isaac, and that he it was going to take him a while to learn. He did say to only practice for 20 minutes a day - keep it short and sweet.
The next day I took him out, and we practiced. It was one of the toughest work outs I have done, and I am in pretty good shape. I mean, I can run 10 miles at this point - but running along side him, holding up his body weight, and anticipating his sideways movement was very difficult. I was holding him with two hands under the armpits and rolling him around.
We woke up the next morning and did it again. There was huge improvement. I was still holding him, but with one arm, and he was starting to check his balance. Third day I held the back of his tshirt between my fingers letting go from time to time, and the fourth day he was riding on his own while I ran beside him.
On day five I took him to the park along with Davids parents who were in from out of town, and David, and everyone was blown away. I could no longer keep up with him, so I just had to let him go, and it was easily one of the scariest parenting moments so far. It was at that moment that I knew we needed some elbow and knee pads - and even some biking gloves - but I was amazed at his confidence on the bike, and his enjoyment of the new freedom he found while riding all over the park.
In the past week he has mastered starting and stopping the bike, turning, and controlling his speed. He has not yet mastered telling people he is coming, and has consequently ridden into the back of a couple elderly people's legs. We immediately ordered a bell.
The addition of pads has made me feel much  more comfortable, and every day with increased experience I am settling into yet another one of his 'big boy' milestones. We have ordered a bike rack, my bike has been pulled out of storage, and I am looking forward to exploring LA on wheels with my little man.

Three

She's three. I really cant believe it. I know I have said this before, but I never thought I would have a girl, so every year on her birthday I am reminded that she is actually my child, and I did in fact give birth to her. This year Coco has really come into her own. We are starting to see her personality, and in one word
I would call her 'Independent'. She much more than Isaac really enjoys her own autonomy. She has never kissed me on the lips, and really doesn't like kisses. She will wipe them off, or ask me to stop. I do get hugs and love on her terms, but rarely will she appease me when I want some for myself.
Last night David was out of town and I asked her if she wanted to sleep with me in my bed - she never has before. Isaac did the last time David was out of town, so I thought I would be fair and take turns. In typical Coco fashion she told me no, she wanted to sleep in 'her own bed'. And so Isaac spent the night moving his wall to all four corners of my bed. He still sleeps like he did in the crib with no sense of which way is up.

Coco's language is really advanced. She speaks in paragraphs, and uses words that I have no recollection of teaching her. I caught her looking in the mirror last week, and then she whispered under her breath 'Im so stylish'. She has so much confidence. Is becoming more of a risk taker, and is frightened by very little. She adores older girls, and can spend hours playing with them.

She is a daddy's girl. She adores David, as Isaac did, but needs him in a different way. When David isn't home for bedtime she gets teary eyed and wont let me sing her lullabies. She and David have a funny little bedtime ritual where they count like the count does in Sesame Street (one, two, ha ha ha).  Im not sure where it came from, but it is deeply ingrained in her bedtime routine, and it is not something I am allowed to do with her. She asks where Daddy is almost every hour, and shrieks for at least 20 seconds every night when he walks in the door.

Today on Coco's third birthday she is officially discharged from the Regional Center's program which has provided her services up to this point. She will no longer receive PT, OT, or ST unless we access our private insurance. We had a final assessment done before she was discharged and all of her skills were above an age three level with the exception of gross motor. There are still a few things she needs to work on (stair climbing, strength in her left leg, running, jumping) but she keeps up with her classmates and is at a point where I barely notice a difference. And of course, what she lacks in ability she makes up for in attitude, so somehow she is exactly where she needs to be. The road to this point hasn't been an easy one, but we've made it. We hope to continue riding horses after the new year, and she loves her dance class and preschool.

Coco is for the most part willing to try anything, and happy to go along with the plan. She has her moments of resistance, and certainly stands up to Isaac. She is most confident and demanding at home as she often shouts her needs from the other room. I think this year will be a big one for her as she starts to develop friendships, and grow even more independent.

Beginning Kindergarten

Last week Isaac, and our entire family, had our first day at Isaac's new school. This school does not use the traditional nomenclature of kindergarten, first grade, etc., but rather describes their age groups as just that, 'groups'. SO, Isaac began group one. His teachers names are Michelle and Kazia. Michelle has been a teacher in group one for many many years and is absolutely phenomenal. Simply watching her with the kids inspires me.
The first week of school is intended as a transitional time for both the student and the parents. The school gently begins to make the student feel comfortable by allowing them small snippets of time in the classroom, and then time with mom and dad. The first day of this transition Isaac spent some time in his new class, and David and I spent time getting to know a bit about the other parents. We were blown away by how interesting each of them were, how open the were to approaching each other with genuine interest in getting to know each other. Most people had interesting creative professions, and we truly felt that everyone shared very similar values and had chosen this school and its progressive philosophy for a reason. It felt like we were part of something beautiful, a community within a very large city.  Isaac seemed to enjoy his first day too. He recognized some of the children's faces who we had spent time with over the summer. We all left feeling warm, happy, and exhausted.
Day two was similar to day one except that the parents learned about many of the rules and operations of the school. We met with all of the teachers who lead the specialty curriculum, and learned about drop off and pick up. Two hours later Isaac and I left ready for a nap.
The third day was more socializing for adults and school for the littles. We were introduced to the school physiologist who spent time discussing 'separation' and what that may mean for a kindergarten aged child. It was very useful, and the questions that the parents were asking were incredibly open and wonderful. After this discussion we headed out for a big picnic with all of group one and their parents. Isaac and I had baked cookies to share with the class. He walked around with such a proud look on his face as he passed each one out, and as expected each parent adored the cookies, valued them, and spent a lot of time thanking Isaac for his efforts.
Over the weekend David and I attended a parent mixer hosted by group two for group one. We got to know the parents even better. Spent time learning about who they were, and talking about who we are. When we left I told David that for the first time ever I felt like we were part of a group of people who were all genuinely comfortable with just being themselves. That ease was so apparent, and made us feel like we just just be. The power in that is huge and a reminder of how important it is to be authentic and true with those around you.
We are thrilled with our choice, and so happy that Isaac is going to have such a positive experience at this magical school. I am looking forward to all the participation this year, and opportunities to simply be around the campus and its parents. Walking through the gates of this school you just feel it, something meaningful, something powerful, something much bigger than any of its individuals. Its a place we are proud to call our elementary school.

Coco Starts Preschool

 

I have been in Mommy and Me with Coco for a year now. Many kids transition into an independent preschool class -at the school she and Isaac attends - once they turn two. Because Coco has had some delay in her development I decided to keep her in Mommy and Me an extra few months and start her in Summer. I really cant believe that Summer has arrived, and the time has come for her to transition. 

People have told me how different their two children are, but I never understood how this could be possible until I had my own. In many ways Coco and Isaac are very similar. The are sensitive, observant, respectful, and a little slow to warm. In the case of transitioning they were night and day. Isaac had a really tough time when he transitioned. I attribute to doing it to early, when he was two. Coco is older, and she also has the added benefit of practically growing up at that school. Her current teachers have known her since she was two days old, and have watched her grow up. She has dropped Isaac off almost every day, attended all of the school wide events, and been in Mommy and Me for an extended amount of time. She was very clearly ready to start, and when I dropped her off she practically asked me to leave. I checked on her for the first couple hours, but she didn't need me to and really seemed to want me to leave so she could continue having fun. She is now going three days a week until 3pm. She naps at school, and I pick her up with Isaac. It is the last time for a long time that I will be able to drop both kids off and pick them up at the same place and the same time. I am savoring every second of it. Now that my days have freed up a bit, I have been able to do so many things that I have been putting off. It is amazing to get a three or four hour stretch of work in. It is the first time since Coco was born that I have had this and I am absolutely not taking it for granted.

Isaac's Preschool Graduation

There was a lot of build up to Isaac's graduation. First there was the search for a kindergarten which was intense, draining, and emotional. David and I spent a tremendous amount of time and energy touring schools, researching our options, and weighing the pros and cons of every imaginable scenario. I don't want don't want to spend too much time talking about this because I am thrilled to finally be past it, but I will say that the public education system in California is in a very scary and very depleted place. I toured our home school four times over the past year hoping that something would change, and nothing ever did. We also scoured charter school options, applied to three, and were accepted to all of them. In the end none of them were as good a fit for Isaac as the school that we decided on. When I realized that our home school was as large as it was, and had very little arts education David and I decided to entertain the idea of private school - something we never thought we would do. After a ton of research I came across a couple 'Progressive Schools' in our area. The philosophy at these schools was so inline with the way that we parent our kids, and our hopes for their education. We immediately felt connected to them, and excited about the idea that this type of education was actually possible for our kids.Yes progressive education is an alternative to the test-oriented instruction that so many public schools have become wrapped up in (they have no other choice) legislated by the 'No Child Left Behind' educational funding act, but it is really about so much more. Based on the teachings of John Dewey, progressive education stressed the importance of community, respect for diversity, and learning through projects that help develop a deep and rich understanding of the curriculum being studied. It is hands on learning deeply routed in building, creating, making, visiting, and teamwork. It is a direct reflection of the democratic society we live in. There are very few textbooks or desks, and no tests. I know that makes it sound radical, but it really isn't. The school is focused on the individual child, and the strengths and qualities that make them unique. The depth of the curriculum, and richness of the learning at the school we finally selected is unlike anything I had ever seen, and unlike the way I was taught. Is it better? I cant say that, but it seems the best fit for Isaac.
Having finally selected a school we all felt a huge sense of relief. We had teetered between a wonderful inclusive charter school, and the school we selected - money being the number one deciding factor. Once we removed that from the equation the choice was obvious, and we wanted to make it a priority and find a way to give this gift to our children.
So it was graduation time. Isaac had been practicing with his class for weeks. His teachers even seemed to think it was overkill to suck up his last weeks of preschool with so much practice, and I have to agree. The ceremony ended up being very sweet. We arrived early and literally sprinted for front row seats. Mission accomplished. There were a thousand songs, diplomas being handed out, and some very thoughtful touches. Clearly this was a milestone that was important to so many people, and an emotional one at that.
Isaac mentioned to be that he was supposed to say what he wanted to be when he grew up once he was on stage. So I asked him what he was going to say, and he said 'Architect'. My goodness, I thought. Its such an amazing profession, but also one that is so very demanding. I felt pride that he wanted in some tiny way to be like me, I also felt astonished that at his very young age of 5 I could actually see  him becoming an architect. He is consumed with building, and very very good at it. I haven no idea if this will stick, and I certainly wont sway him in that direction. It will be wonderful to watch him continue to grow and develop and change his mind hopefully a hundred times before something just feels right.
So when the moment came, and he stepped on stage (the first boy) and his teachers asked him 'What do you want to be when you grow up' his answer was, 'A Basketball Player'. I smiled ear to ear. The perfect answer. These are the years when anything still seems possible, dreams are lofty and goals seems easily reachable. I envied his confidence and excitement, and so happy his answer was a beautiful reflection of the joys of being five.

Potty Training, Again.

When I first found out I was pregnant with my second, one of the first thoughts that ran through my head was, (insert curse word here) I have to potty train another kid. Potty training Isaac for whatever reason really stressed me out. We ended up in a power struggle - probably because our personalities are oh so similar- and it just wasn't a fond or pleasant memory. With all that being said, it happened quickly, and within a week he was potty trained and the diapers were ditched for good.
I had heard that potty training a girl was 'easier' and that it usually occurred at a younger age, but with all of the developmental delay and physical setbacks we have had with Coco I somehow doubted this would be true for her. I wasn't sure she had the leg strength to sit down and get up off the potty, pull her pants down, or even push out what she needed to, but at right about 2 years 3 months it was clear she was very ready. She was telling me every time she went to the bathroom. It seemed like an opportune time to give it a try as we were about a month away from transitioning to preschool, and we had a week with very little going on.
She woke up on Monday morning, we told her it was time to say goodbye to diapers and hello to underwear, and we just went cold turkey. She was very excited about the underwear and all of the characters on them. She wasn't happy that I didn't let her wear them for the first couple days. I didn't want her to feel like she was wearing a diaper and forget that she was wearing underwear. This strategy is what finally helped Isaac make the connection so I thought I would start there first with Coco.
I also promised myself that this time around I would be relaxed and follow her cues. That first day she really didn't want to use the potty. It was as if she had a fear of peeing into something other than a diaper. She would scream bloody murder until she started peeing, and then finally calm down. This went on for the first two days, but the key was she knew when she has to go and where to do it. She did hold it in for the first little while, really not wanting to use the potty, but she always ended up going and not having an accident. Finally she started getting used to it (gummy bears helped) and would go over and sit on the potty when she needed to. I then knew she was ready for underwear.
The most helpful thing with Coco was asking her 'can I hear your pee pee' and then she magically would produce one. There was something about the noise that helped relax her and take the anxiety away. Very bravely we proceeded with out plan to go to Disneyland on day four of potty training. At this point she would only use her little potty, so we brought it with (a memory I will never forget). She held it in for the first couple hours, but finally used it, and we ended up having an accident free and very fun day at the park.
Number twos are a whole other story. She has been constipated since she was a baby, so it is no surprise that this continues to be a challenge. She will go in the potty, but it is full of theatrics and what appears to be genuine pain. We have started on a Miralax regimen which seems to be helping, but like most kids she holds it at school and only goes in the comfort of her own home. There is always a little crying involved, but it is getting better.
Potty training has given her a new sense of her own 'parts'. She refers to hers as a 'Pagina' and all of the sudden knows the difference between males and females. There is nothing like being in line at whole foods and having her ask me, loudly, if the cashier has a 'penis'.
She is pulling her clothes up and down to the best of her ability and as long as there is an elastic waist she is able to use the potty on her own. She is only kid in her preschool class who is potty trained, and she never needed diapers while she napped or slept. It is pretty amazing, and fortunately came much more easily than I anticipated. I have dreamed of the day when diapers were no more, and I am thrilled it is here. We have ditched the diaper genie, no longer have a change table, and donated all of are wipes and diapers. It has made me feel like I have to 'big kids' and no more babies, but when it comes to changing diapers, that is A-OK with me.

Activities

A year ago this time it was very hard to motivate Isaac to want to do any extracurricular activities. It was the first time that he was going a full day to school and not napping, and when I would pick him up he was bone tired. We could barely make it out of the parking lot without him falling asleep, and once he did crash he was very cranky when I tried to rouse him for anything it was almost impossible.

As the year progressed and he got used to his new extended schedule, we started Karate. Unlike many of the things we had tried in the past it seemed that he genuinely loved it. He was focused and interested always wanting to practice, and curious when he would work towards next belts.

Since starting he has achieved two new belts, and is on his way for his third. He is now a 'Lion', no longer a 'Tiger Tot' and beginning to spar and learn some actual martial arts techniques. It has been great for his confidence, and fun to watch him learn and grow.

We also are doing 't-ball' for the second year in a row. Last year we did it with our local parks and recreation center. The program was overcrowded, not well coached, and consequently none of us enjoyed it very much. It is amazing what a little organization and a dedicated coach will do! This year Isaac is no longer using the T, but is hitting balls pitched by the coach. He understands the concept of where to run after he hits, and has started catching and throwing much more proficiently. Most importantly he looks forward to it, and seems to really enjoy playing.

Coco continues to do Hippotherapy, but in addition has been dancing once a week. She is in an independent ballet/tap class that is the highlight of her week. She had no problem separating from me, and just loves dancing along to the music. Mainly she loves wearing a tutu and is amazed by the sounds her tap make on the wood floor. Her first recital is in a couple of weeks, and it will be so adorable to watch her and her little dancer buddies attempt to follow some type of choreography.

The Tooth Fairy

I was sitting at dinner with Isaac the other night when he said to me, "Mommy, I ate a bad apple for snack after school today." When I asked him what was bad about it, he said, " It hurt my tooth when I bit into it." OMG I thought! Really??? He is only 5, could he have a loose tooth already? ... Open Up, I almost shouted at him, and with a little wiggle, it was confirmed: Isaac had a loose tooth.
Isaac got his first tooth right about 5 months, so apparently that means that you loose your teeth earlier. I am not sure if I believe that or if he just is loosing his teeth young. Either way it seems impossible that he is already loosing teeth. As cliche as it feels to say this, I really do feel like he just got them, and the whole thing just needs to slow down a little bit.

The next day at school Isaac proceeded to tell almost everyone he knew about his 'wiggly' tooth with pride and excitement. It was super sweet.It took about a week for the tooth to come out, and as once it did Isaac ate it with snack at school. His teacher told me that it was bothering him a lot at lunch, and at snack so I asked him to open his mouth and voila! it was gone. I can only assume that it went down the hatch with whatever else he was eating. This was the cause for some alarm as Isaac was worried the tooth fairy wouldn't visit if there wasn't a tooth to exchange, but I calmed his fears and we carried on.
That night you could feel his excitement as he talked about the tooth fairy. He told us about how tiny she was, he guessed that she may come through his window, and he hoped that she would leave him some coins. It brought so much joy to see how proud he was of loosing his tooth, and how exited he was to have a visit from the tooth fairy.
We now have another wiggly tooth. I suppose those two bottom teeth came in within a week of each other so they may want to leave together too. You can see the big 'adult' teeth behind waiting to rise from the surface. Our first tiny sign of what Isaac may look like as an adult.

Lemonade - See you later Twenty Eleven

OK, so this is the worst photo of me on the planet, I am stanting in the foreground so I look enormous, I am strangely cocked sideways, and we just finished up a hike so I am sweaty and disheveled, BUT it is the most recent photo of the four of us, and every one of us are feeling good and making strides in our own way. On this simple hike through Joshua Tree it really felt like we had two little people along with us. Isaac hiked the entire thing himself, and would have done it again. He has an amazing amount of energy and coordination and really loved being outside amongst a new landscape. Coco chatted the entire time, telling me she wanted to go down, climb too... she was clearly not thrilled with being 'packed' for the ride, but it just made more sense for the rocky terrain that we were climbing.
2011 has been a rough year. Probably the roughest we have had. David had surgery, my father in law battled throat cancer, David's grandmother passed away, it took Coco longer to walk and talk then I ever thought possible, the economy is crap - it seemed like we were encountering one thing after the next and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse, it just did. And now that I have said that I can honestly say that 2011 was filled with an unlimited amount of joy. With each struggle we faced there was triumph, AND having to struggle in the first place made the triumph all that more sweet. The kids both made huge strides, David's movie has been moving forward with amazingly positive momentum, and I have been able to sustain myself professionally in a rich, creative, and mostly pleasurable way.
We are making it work. In fact we have gotten so good at making lemonade that we should start selling it. As we approach a new year with new hopes and new ideas of what may lie ahead I feel confident that as a family we can get through anything. We feel more united as ever, steadfast in supporting one and other, and trying to maintain a relative sense of lightness and humor in all things challenging.
I will leave you with two short clips - the difference between my son and daughter, and the reason I am so grateful to have one of each...

cinco

When I used to fantasize about the idea of having children, I often thought of those children being five and two. It seemed like those were the perfect ages, although I had no experience with children, or with parenting. Tomorrow when Isaac turns five we will have officially reached the five and two milestone, and I have to say, this is the exact dreamy happy place I imagined it to be. Isaac has recently gained a sense of maturity that often takes me aback. He is somewhere between a child and a kid, still in love with me and needing of support and comfort while fiercely independent and very able to take care of all of his basic needs. He is so smart, and observant, and his memory is beyond amazing. He recalls things we did years ago, or things I said months after I said them. His observant nature often manifests as trepidation, he thinks through things thoroughly and realistically understanding possible outcomes in a way that often reminds me of how very alike we are. On our recent trip to Disneyland there was barely a ride he wanted to go on because of all of the potential dangers or scary aspects of a ride. I remember being that age, and well being the age I am now, and sharing that sense of anxiety about the unknown. Isaac is thoughtful and emotional, he is sensitive and so loving of his sister, he is active and energetic, a very visual learner who is starting to recognize site words and and showing an interest in reading. Isaac has started Karate this year and has shown great dedication to the sport. He looks forward to going every week (of course we do get frozen yogurt afterward) and has just earned his first yellow belt. He also loves attending the kids yoga class every Sunday as I go next door to the adult one. He seems to gravitate toward individual sports (as I always did) and inward looking ones. He is a person that I really enjoy being around - for the most part - and someone I am so very proud to call my son. As we approach Kindergarten next year I am excited for him. He is ready, and he will do well. He makes friends easily, he is very likeable, and he has a very active interest in learning. Isaac really loves his family. He and Coco have started to play together and interact in a meaningful way. He shows compassion and deep commitment for us and so clearly would rather be with no one else. Isaac Louis I love you x 5

the sweetest rose

If I was looking at my kids personalities objectively, I would say that Isaac is so very much like me. Strong willed, intense, cautious, committed, easily disgruntled, playful, not so easy to please, incredibly loving... I see so much of myself in him, and of course so many things that all all his own. When it comes to Coco she is the person I always wished I could be: easy going, amazingly likable, trusting, willing to engage all, persistent but has the ability to move forward when its time, fun- very fun, constantly smiling, deeply loving, simply happy to be alive.
I have had the true honor of spending the last two years with this little person and I can easily say she has taught me more about myself than anyone I have ever met. Through every obstacle she has faced she has met it with strength, will, and determination. The quality I find most mind blowing is her ability to remain positive, happy, and engaged. She is clearly committed to learn and grow, while at the same time is able to have fun in the process. She looks at each day for what it is, a new opportunity, and her ability to be present in each moment has reminded me of what I need to work on. Coco and I have been pretty inseparable, a true team fighting for every step and every word. When we encountered hurdles she just kept going and often supported me and reminded me that she was not only ok, but so far better than that.
I know that we are told that we shouldn't be friends with our kids. We are their parents, not their buddies. I am pretty sure with Coco I have broken every rule in the book, and I really don't care. I can easily say that she is the kind of friend I never knew I could have. Together we have fought, and we have won. I am happy to say that today, at age 2, the gap between Coco's development, and those of a typically developing two year old is very narrow. Most who meet her would never know she had delay. She is starting to use two and three word phases when speaking. We reduced her speech therapy to once a week upon the recommendation of her speech therapist who thinks she can stop all together. We are working on walking up and down stairs, climbing, jumping, and other gross motor development, but I know it will all come, and I don't give a hoot if it doesn't. She is perfect just the way she is.
Dear Coco,
Thank you for reminding me that life is about the journey, not about the destination. Every day with you is a gift I often don't feel deserving of. You are pure light. Your smile is infectious, and your steady sense of self a constant source of happiness in my life. I can only imagine where we go from here.
Humbly...

Inspired

This past Sunday David was honored at the 5th annual IBDSF evening of inspiration. It is an event that we have been to many times in the past and one we have always supported. This year I was asked to chair the event, and seeing that David was being nominated and I wanted to give back to an organization that means so much to me, I said OK. I will admit that the process was pretty grueling. It was far more work than I anticipated, or even agreed to, and it created a fair amount of stress, but in the end I have to say that it was absolutely worth it and so rewarding to have contributed in such a meaningful way. The event was the best it had ever been, we had so many wonderful friends and family members there to support us, and I am finally feeling like we are part of the IBDSF community- so many familiar and friendly faces. Because David was honored he was asked to speak at the event. I very much wanted to keep what he had to say as a surprise. I didn't want to influence anything about the speech, and I felt the first and only time I should hear him say it was at the event. I was blown away by his openness, honesty, and very candid story. So much of it I of course know better than anyone, in fact I am not sure that I learned anything new about David, or his disease, but to hear him say the things that I already knew to such a large audience was a huge milestone, and one that made me feel pride in him and our family. I feel my friends got some new insight into what it is like to have a family member living with chronic illness, and perhaps why I make some of the choices that I do. In the end all of the work that I had done for the event and the organization was deeply appreciated and acknowledged, and David shined like he always does. Seeing him on the podium, so funny, so honest, so loving... it is a moment I will never forget. Those 15 minutes, I know will make a profound impact on several peoples lives.

'Momm-E' & 'Holy Shim'

Both of my kids have had seemed to grow up before my eyes this month. I swear there have been mornings that they have literally grown inches in their sleep or woken up more mature, with more language, or just plain sassier.
Mom and I took Coco to Vancouver at the beginning of the month, and that trip really flipped a bunch of switches in her little brain. Her language exploded. She finally found her 'e' sound and was able to say 'momm-y or bub-ie'. It was amazing to hear because up until that point she would call a baby 'baba'. I credit so much of her speech to our speech therapist who is amazing in almost every way. We debated the idea of paying out of pocket for speech for a long while, but it was the best decision we ever made. The therapist has suggest that Coco will most likely be done with therapy within the month, but I am not so sure about that. It seems like we still have some work to do, but the gap has most certainly narrowed, and the end is very much in sight.
Isaac has been more difficult than normal, testing in as many ways as he can find to show his independence. He will swing from the sweetest kid on the planet to the biggest a-hole I know (yes, I just called my kid an a-hole), but all of the behavior is age appropriate and probably important for him to experience. His favorite new saying when something goes wrong is 'Holy Shim', which has clearly come from another child. It is half hilarious, but more than half alarming, and I continue to remind him that it is 'bathroom talk'. At times I think I could deal with the Holy Shims if he would just stop testing me in other ways, but I am not sure that his behavior is taking requests at this time. The good news is that all of my friends who have Children Isaac's age are complaining about similar things. Makes me feel like it is less Isaac, more four and a half.
This summer Isaac was given a sunflower from his teachers.When we received it, it was about 4" tall, with a single leaf. Isaac and I have both been working together to keep the sunflower alive over the past several months. We bring it inside when it is too hot, We move it around depending on where the sun is, and we give it water every day - upon which Isaac always asks, 'when is the flower going to come'. I am pleased to announce that we have a flower! Here is the latest photo of our sunflower standing proud.

Entering Team III

We've done it! Our first week in team III has successfully been completed. As it always seems to happen, the anticipation and anxiety about the change was far greater than the change itself. Moving into team III meant full days (9-3) and no more napping at home). They do have a short 'rest' time on cots at school, but his teachers Patti and Carol have said that the kids aren't napping. They are optimistic that they might nap once the novelty wears off, but for now Isaac is coming home fairly tired. He makes it till about dinner time and then is exhausted. If there is a positive he is going to bed an hour earlier and getting up an hour later, and seems to still want to nap on weekends.
The new schedule has really changed my day and the chunks of time I have to work. I am going to begin having our babysitter pick up Isaac three times a week so that I can get a little extra work done, and we are going to start doing activities together in the afternoon (gymnastics, karate, and basketball).
This change seems good. He seems ready, and now that it is here I think it is exciting and positive. It makes the time that I do get to spend with him more focused and appreciated, and weekends have become all that more delicious.

Hippotherapy

We have been visiting the ride on stables for a little while now, and it has become a highlight of both coco and my week. It is located on topanga canyon at the 118 freeway which is an area surrounded by huge boulders creating mountains and valleys that are breathtaking. Our little venture to this area every week brings us out of the familiar valley scenery and into a very different world.
Horses are calming. There is something about being around them that helps me to slow my pace down. Of course you never want to spook a horse, so this in itself asks you to be conscious of your surrounding, but there is something more to it than that. The horses are magnificent, huge and steady, and demand respect and a confident calm.
I am so ever grateful to the horses Coco rides every week. They have changed her stride in so many ways, and given us so much back. The relationship Coco has with Fancy, and the other horses she rides is one of mutual understanding and love. She has learned to mount and dismount the horses. She plays with their manes and pats them firmly. She lights up when her horse arrives, and spends the next half hour with a smile on her face.
At this point Joanne and her team (there are three people to a horse and child) are working with Coco on stabilizing and strengthening her core. She rides the horsies forward, sideways, and backwards. She weaves in and out of tall obstacles, and reaches for toys that are presented to her. The horse goes up and down steps and moves slowly and more quickly depending on what Joanne wants to work on. She has even started riding some of the trails in the back of the property that offer small hills and turns.
I can speak for Coco in saying that we are both feel lucky to have had this experience. Regardless of her delay this is an activity we both enjoy and both grow and learn from. Connection to nature and animals is such an important and special early gift, I am so pleased Coco has been blessed with the opportunity to gain life experience through the eyes of her horse, Fancy.

Insurance

A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us.
John Steinbeck

I will never forget the moment I found out I was going to have a girl. I was absolutely flabbergasted. It was news that was completely unexpected - I had prepared myself for having a second boy, bathed in all of its advantages, taken out all of Isaac's old baby clothes and organized them for our new baby boy to be. I was excited about having a boy, and genuinely thought that the idea of Isaac having a brother, and us another son, was perfect. When the three lines showed up clear as day on the ultrasound monitor, and the doctor informed us that we would be having a girl, I started uncontrollably crying. It wast at this moment that I knew that I had prepared myself for having a boy because I really truly wanted the experience of having a daughter.
Over the next several months I bought adorable little dresses, talked for hours and hours about little girls names, and designed the nursery that I had always dreamed of. It was all perfect perfect perfect - in theory of course. And as much as I knew about child rearing, this being my second time around, I for whatever reason envisioned having a 'perfect' baby girl. One that came out with pigtails and a smile, running around on perfectly cut grass, eating a Popsicle, wearing a burberry skirt, and red mary janes. I fast forwarded to her at my age, and the conversations we could have together. Who would she be? Would we be alike?
And then Coco was born, and out she came - tiny and perfect... a head full of hair, the same nose I see in the mirror. I looked at her and I thought, wait, I have never imagined what you would be like as a baby! I somehow skipped forward several years, and just figured that my experience with Isaac, which was a relatively easy one, would be what I was in for the second time around.
Several months later, after her diagnosis of hypotonia, and now her diagnosis of aproxia, I am left trying to manage my expectations. Over the past week we have had such huge issues with our Insurance company, and what and who they cover for Coco's speech therapy options, that I was reminded of the idea of 'Insurance'. When you are pregnant there is NO insurance. Of course so many children are 'typically' developing, so most moms expect children to hit certain milestones at certain ages... but again there is no insurance. And when mothers do realize that their child isn't 'perfect' (and every single mother realizes this at one point or another about some aspect of their child's personality or development) I believe they look inward. How can I parent better? What more can I do for my child? What have I done wrong to 'cause' this?
In my case I have had to make a very conscious effort over the past week to look outside myself. As one of my most valued resources continues to remind me, "you have to see and enjoy Coco as who she is, not as her disability."
She is absolutely right. I so often find myself working with coco on vocabulary, instead of just enjoying all of her wonder in the moment. I often miss or don't appreciate huge developmental milestones, because I am looking for other ones. As hard as it is to watch her struggle with things that should come easily, I also have to remind myself that she doesn't know the difference at this age. She is just working as hard as she can work, and hopefully by the time she does begin to notice 'differences' she will have caught up. And... what if she doesn't? Well then I know that the persistence, will, and desire she has developed in order to achieve her personal best will only help her in the years to come.
In many ways I can relate to her, to the idea of struggle, to working hard, to feeling like I am always one step behind. I graduated from my high school ranked 6th in my class, and was able to get into any college I wanted to, but this wasn't something that EVER came easily to me. I was the kind of kid that had to read the text book six times to remember what I needed to for a test. I used to make thousands of flashcards for each exam, and then sit in my bathtub late into the night (so i wouldn't fall asleep of course) and drill myself until I didn't miss one question. I found tutors on subjects that I was having trouble grasping. I got an 860 on my SAT until I took the Princeton review and then got a 1400. I never had a natural academic gift, but I did have the gift of persistence. I have learned over time that it is that persistence that allows me to do anything I have my heart set on.
I carry that mentality with me today. I don't 'expect' to understand things. I expect to do whatever it takes to try and understand. I have VERY high expectations for myself, and for those around me. I am working on that, on my obsessive nature, my fascination with perfection, my inability to just 'be' without doing three things at once, my acceptance of those around me who aren't as persistent, my need to control all situations - even those I have absolutely no control over. I WANT to drill Coco with flashcards until she knows every word imaginable. I DONT do it, but I want to... I WANT Isaac to be diving and swimming the backstroke... but I just LET him play in the water, even though I am certain he is capable at this point. I loathe mediocrity. I want to see my kids live up their full potential, but they need to develop the tools to do this. I can only shed light on what I believe their potential may be, and push them just enough to understand the importance of following through, commitment, and struggle.
And so after our weekend of doing absolutely nothing - no therapy - no flashcards - just playing together as a family... Coco has started using several spontaneous words. Mama, Dada, Isaac, More, Up, On, In, Open, Eye, Hi, Bye bye, Awa (water), Ruff(dog), Moo(cow), E E E (Monkey). She is repeating many other words, but those have all happened spontaneously which is huge.
She is an amazing girl, in fact she IS the perfect girl that I had pictured in my head, with her pigtails and Popsicle on the grass in that plaid dress... she just has some trouble motor planning, just like I have some trouble doing Warrier 3 on my left side, or being patient, or spelling with any degree of accuracy. We all have uphill battles, but unlike Sisyphus who's rock was not cooperative, Coco continues to progress, all while loving the world she lives in, and I believe in her own world she is standing on the top of the hill, breeze in her hair, smiling about all that she is and loves.

Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Coco - 18 months

Stats at 19 months:
Weight :: 19.7 oz ( less than 0%)
Height :: 31 1/4" (25%)

We just celebrated Coco's half birthday. I was going to create several blog entries about all of the exciting things she is doing at the ripe age of a year and a half, but I thought it better to just summarize them in one complete place. To begin we have started mommy and me at discovery school. It is so strange to be back in that room. In many ways it feels like I was JUST there, in others it feels like it has been much longer than the three summers ago that I started with Isaac. Coco and Isaac both had a very similar separation anxiety at this age. For whatever reason Coco is at the height of her's which has made it exceedingly unpleasant to start all of these new activities. I do know from my experience with Isaac that this is temporary, and that it will just take her a little longer than others to get acclimated and find her groove. Eventually she will be just fine. It makes it a bit more challenging for me, but the investment is well worth it.
We started speech therapy with Coco a couple weeks ago. I am still on the fence about whether or not it has any real effect on her language, but I am going to stick with it for another month and see where it takes her. My general philosophy has been "it cant hurt", but at this very moment I am feeling so over scheduled with therapies, and mommy and me, and school, and swimming, on and on and on, that I am wondering if the hours of therapy could be better spent in a dance or music class. Would she gain more from the socialization, or just simply learn through enjoyment and experience. My gut sense is that she, like her mother, will do it all when she damn well wants to.
In all of the over scheduling we did also start hippotherapy (horse therpy) today. This seemed so well worth it. The facility was lovely, and she clearly enjoyed seeing the horses. There were some tears getting on the horse, but once she was there she seemed to enjoy it. I was so amazed at how well the program was run. There were three adults and one horse for 19 pound coco, all working together to help her move forward. It was truly remarkable.
Coco is now walking fast, almost running, starting to go up stairs (holding a hand), has several clear words (up, more, mama, dada, isaac, cat, out, in, milk, water). She is a true girl, loving accesories, brushing her hair, wearing a purse, getting her shoes on. She loved putting on her tap shoes and walking around. She enjoys dancing, jumping, coloring. She is still throwing food on the floor, and eating very limited amounts of very limited food. Her smile lights up a room, and her laughter is amazing. She has David's eyes and my nose, the mouth is up for grabs. She is giving great kisses and hugs, loves her best friend 'mr. bear' and loves her brother isaac the very most. Sesame street is her favorite show, but she can rarely sit through a book or a movie without wanting to fidget with something or move around. She is amazingly cute, very petite, and full of love.

See you later team 2!

Wow. I am going to try and write this post from a positive perspective, despite how difficult a year this has been for us at Discovery School. We started team two with the teacher that inspired us to choose Discovery as our home. Martha was amazing, she was clearly experienced, was able to engage the kids from the minute they walked in the door, and Isaac not only adored her but was clearly learning more than he ever had. Unfortunately due to a family emergency she was forced to leave teaching, very suddenly, and was replaced by teacher Dana.
Once I got over the initial shock that the teacher we loved so very much had left, I started to see Dana's strength's and accept her as Isaac's new teacher. She had her own style, but was clearly a very good teacher, loved the kids, and Isaac really liked her too. After two months Dana too left due to a personal medical emergency, and we were then given Teacher Ruth.
I could focus here on all of the things I thought Ruth needed some expereince in (she came to us with only experience as a teacher's assistant), but instead I am going to choose to discuss what Isaac gained from team 3. Isaac made friendships in his small class that were deep and meaningful to him. Many of these kids he talks about daily, and some are in his current class. Isaac found his voice, literally, now signing and participating when appropriate, and feeling more comfortable and confident in his skin. Isaac learned about superheros, weapons, good guys and bad guys, chasing, shooting, and everything I have been dreading. I haven't yet figured out how to handle this, but as his Dr. Shulman said, if you give him a stick, he is going to pretend its a gun so realize you have little control over his choices when it comes to play. He now knows most of his numbers and letters, and some basic site words. He can write his name, our names, and his sister's name. He loves stories, and his stuffed animal 'friends'. He loves school, and continues to show enthusiasm for all things in the classroom.
I will end with this story, one I want to document so that in 18 years Isaac can read it and have a good chuckle. On 'dad's' day this year at school David took Isaac, and dropped him at class. He then waited in his car for the 15 minutes he was supposed to so the kids could get ready for the dad's. In that period of time Isaac asked Ruth if he could go to the farm with one of his buddies, and his father. Ruth said ok, and when David got back to the class Isaac was gone. Ruth explained he was at the farm, and when David searched the farm, and then the rest of the school he couldn't find Isaac. Needless to say this turned into a school wide alert situation in which it took the director an additional 30 minutes to locate Isaac (in another classroom). This happened about 2 weeks before school ended, so today on the last day of team 2 we leave with a smile on our face and excitement for what is to come. Our usual emotional goodbye has been replaced with relief and gratitude for the closure we have finally received after a tumultuous year.

big steps

I was just telling my friend Elaine at dinner last night that a month ago when I was very anxious about Coco's physical progress, I decided that when she started walking I would invite all of my friends for drinks and celebrate the momentous occasion. I had the event planned in my head. The way it would feel to finally be relieved from the worry of if, and more importantly when she would take those first steps.
A week ago Coco woke up from her nap, and just like that decided to give it a go. The video above are some of her very first independent steps. Now a week later she is walking around the house; granted she is still doing a lot of crawling she can walk. She seems most proficient when there is a goal in the visible distance. She is walking from object to object; person to person. Each day her confidence grows and her steps get faster. Her arms are still up in the air as if she is holding onto our fingers, or just finding her way of balancing.
What is most notable about her new stride is the pride you can see all over her face. She KNOWS she is doing something challenging, and she is excited about her accomplishment. There is determination in her eyes, heavy concentration, and when she finally gets to her destination - relief, glory, excitement, celebration.
And so she started walking, and not once did I think about having a party, or celebrating the occasion. My first thought and instinct was: my baby is growing up. My second thought was: she is clearly celebrating her achievement with each and every step. Just being around her and watching her move is better than any party I could have.
And of course when I got into bed that night the immense joy and pleasure I thought I would feel was actually a wee bit of melancholy, and reflection about her journey. We have come so far, SHE has come so far. It is only a tiny indication of where she is headed, with speed and determination, watch out world, Coco is on her way.

Riding the Wave

this polaroid of girl surfing hangs in our bedroom. taken by: 'she hit pause' studios.

I have never surfed before. In actuality, I can barely stick a toe in the ocean. My fear of the unknown, what I can not see that lies beneath the surface has always been so great that wading in deep blue has never appealed to me. The idea of surfing which entails both wading in these waters, and then riding a completely unpredictable natural element sounds terrifying. Im sure those who surf find exactly these things the excitement of the sport. For a cautious control freak like me, I appreciate known factors and predictability. I enjoy playing within constraints, always needing at least one fixed 'known'.


In the past month this aspect of my personality has been challenged. Crohn's disease has challenged us in new ways. The details and the history of the past month are so clear in my mind, but when I woke up today wanting to write about our collective experience, it was the events surrounding the illness that I found most profound. It reminded me of one of my favorite proverbs:

" Only in darkness can you see the stars."

The result of several weeks of doctors appointments, hospital visits, blood work, scopes, and massive amounts of stress was surgery. I brought David into the ER on a Friday night, and the following afternoon we were told - without ever speaking to one of David's doctors- surgery time. Once the initial shock set in, and we were finally able to speak with the necessary parties, we agreed that it was the best next step, and important that it happen quickly. And so it did. Two hours later he was on the table, and I was alone doing everything I could to keep it together.

Saturday nights in a hospital are very quiet. There are the obvious benefits of efficiency given the low patient flow, but there is something about the quiet that is very unsettling. After David was taken back for surgery, and I literally told the surgeon to do the best resection he had ever done, I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I was crawling out of my skin with anxiety, and waiting in a person-less - dead - waiting room just wasn't something I wanted to do. I decided to seek out the 'all faith' chapel (which took some searching). When I finally found it, it seemed that it was being packed up to move; there were boxes strewn around. On the small beema / pulpit / stage was a star of david, a menorah, and a rose. There were hundreds of jewish prayer books, a single bible, and a single koran. There was comfort in being surrounded by a faith that I grew up in, but when it came to what to do in the space I was at a loss. I picked up a prayer book, thumbed through, and quickly put it down. Prayer - from a prayer book- is not a daily part of my life. Throughout my day I speak to 'god' in my own way, give thanks, ask for help, say a 'prayer' but more informally. I began to think about this as I sat on the bench in the chapel.

When do I feel most connected to god? Immediately I answered, when I feel most connected to myself. When my connected self sees the beauty in others.
When do I feel most connected to myself? Easy. Yoga. My practice, the intentions I set for myself, the closeness I feel to myself and those around me, the way it translates to my actions my words my thoughts. This is god.

And before I knew it I was in downward dog. Flowing through a few vinyasas, feeling the moistness on my skin, the tears on my cheeks, my intention very simply to find the power to get through the next hour. That was it.

Minutes later I headed up to the waiting room and was greeted by dear friends who instinctively knew how hard it must be to wait alone. Their support got me though, provided a momentary distraction, and reminded me of the connection to others I thought about only moments before. The surgeon quickly came out, was positive and hopeful about his work, and from there things have only improved.


Having gone through this same surgery (different set of issues got us there) five years ago, David and I weren't new to it as a couple, but something felt different this time around. We have grown together, understand each others fears and needs, and in the moment managed to be good to one and other and ourselves. We allowed each others families and friends to support us in a more intimate way. David was more open with work and colleagues about what was going on. We had children to think about, and to teach. Life was more complex, but ultimately we managed more gracefully. In our openness we were received with such generosity and love that it was a clear and beautiful reminder of the relationships and accomplishments we have worked so hard for.

We debated about how to tell Isaac, what to share and when to share it. Ultimately we drew a parallel between his recent surgery getting tubes. How there was something in Daddy's tummy that was making him sick, and that the doctors needed to take it out. How Daddy was strong and brave and was going to be OK, but that he needed to stay in the hospital for a week so that the doctors could watch his tummy. My mom brought the kids to the hospital for a visit when David still had his IV pole. He was given 'plaza privileges' which meant he could leave his room and meet the kids on the plaza level. Kids aren't allowed into the hospital rooms. Isaac took a long stare at the IV pole and was very curious about the different boxes and buttons. We described it as a 'super hero pole' and that all of the medications that were going into daddy's arm were giving him super powers to get better. Isaac got to press the morphine button - a thrill for both Isaac and David when the strong 'beep' could be heard. Coco was just happy to see daddy, and clearly frustrated she couldn't climb all over him. Isaac has since described feelings of sadness because daddy's tummy hurts. Fear because his scar looks so scary. I explained to Isaac that this made him a good person because he showed 'empathy'. We spoke for a long time about this idea. Why it is important that we feel for others. Why when our family isn't well, we are not well.

Our extended (and in many ways nuclear) families have been so unbelievably supportive through this. Davids mom immediately flew out to be with him, and his brother came just after he left. My parents flew home from their trip to NY the day after they arrived with no hesitation. Without them this whole ordeal would have been nearly impossible. I continue to question how people manage without family and friends in these emergency situations. It is so critical to have people you can lean on, and to be a person in this world that others can lean on.

As for me - it was so difficult to figure out how I wanted to be supported. Some days I would wake up and just want to crawl back into bed. Others I would want my friends to pick me up for breakfast help me escape for a little while. Each day it would change. I immediately knew I had to cancel all plans in the immediate future. The plans were making me anxious. I didn't feel like being around groups of people, and I wanted to make sure I could be there for David. Again it was about the waves. Being unable to anticipate them, unable to know what was bubbling below the surface. The waves, they would come and go, ebb and flow. When I mentioned this to a dear friend of mine while I was spending a bunch of time at the hospital she said, just let me support you. I will figure out how. And then hours later a text message to meet her and some of my close friends at a restaurant near the hospital. And as soon as I arrived I knew it was exactly what I needed. They brought a thoughtfully packed care package, and their beautiful smiling faces that helped me make it through the final couple days.

care package

contents

Today I can easily say I have grown; as a wife, as a mother, as a friend, as a designer, ... Each of my hats fit a little more comfortably. They have all been challenged, put to the test. Each have survived, have thrived, have grown. I am a more empathetic person, more patient, more understanding.

"Now that i am more nearly a grown member of the human race...she thought that she had never before had a chance to realize the strength human beings have, to endure; she loved and revered all those who had ever suffered, even those who had failed to endure."

I have learned to surf. Perhaps not in the deep blue sea, but in my life I am surfing. Standing steady, riding the waves; each unpredictable, their timing varied and unknown, the depths below filled with life that I cant always see. In this moment I am in the 'barrel', surrounded by support and love, with only light in sight. I love surfing today. Tomorrow I could fall off the board gasping for air, but today, today I love surfing.