Lemonade - See you later Twenty Eleven

OK, so this is the worst photo of me on the planet, I am stanting in the foreground so I look enormous, I am strangely cocked sideways, and we just finished up a hike so I am sweaty and disheveled, BUT it is the most recent photo of the four of us, and every one of us are feeling good and making strides in our own way. On this simple hike through Joshua Tree it really felt like we had two little people along with us. Isaac hiked the entire thing himself, and would have done it again. He has an amazing amount of energy and coordination and really loved being outside amongst a new landscape. Coco chatted the entire time, telling me she wanted to go down, climb too... she was clearly not thrilled with being 'packed' for the ride, but it just made more sense for the rocky terrain that we were climbing.
2011 has been a rough year. Probably the roughest we have had. David had surgery, my father in law battled throat cancer, David's grandmother passed away, it took Coco longer to walk and talk then I ever thought possible, the economy is crap - it seemed like we were encountering one thing after the next and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse, it just did. And now that I have said that I can honestly say that 2011 was filled with an unlimited amount of joy. With each struggle we faced there was triumph, AND having to struggle in the first place made the triumph all that more sweet. The kids both made huge strides, David's movie has been moving forward with amazingly positive momentum, and I have been able to sustain myself professionally in a rich, creative, and mostly pleasurable way.
We are making it work. In fact we have gotten so good at making lemonade that we should start selling it. As we approach a new year with new hopes and new ideas of what may lie ahead I feel confident that as a family we can get through anything. We feel more united as ever, steadfast in supporting one and other, and trying to maintain a relative sense of lightness and humor in all things challenging.
I will leave you with two short clips - the difference between my son and daughter, and the reason I am so grateful to have one of each...

cinco

When I used to fantasize about the idea of having children, I often thought of those children being five and two. It seemed like those were the perfect ages, although I had no experience with children, or with parenting. Tomorrow when Isaac turns five we will have officially reached the five and two milestone, and I have to say, this is the exact dreamy happy place I imagined it to be. Isaac has recently gained a sense of maturity that often takes me aback. He is somewhere between a child and a kid, still in love with me and needing of support and comfort while fiercely independent and very able to take care of all of his basic needs. He is so smart, and observant, and his memory is beyond amazing. He recalls things we did years ago, or things I said months after I said them. His observant nature often manifests as trepidation, he thinks through things thoroughly and realistically understanding possible outcomes in a way that often reminds me of how very alike we are. On our recent trip to Disneyland there was barely a ride he wanted to go on because of all of the potential dangers or scary aspects of a ride. I remember being that age, and well being the age I am now, and sharing that sense of anxiety about the unknown. Isaac is thoughtful and emotional, he is sensitive and so loving of his sister, he is active and energetic, a very visual learner who is starting to recognize site words and and showing an interest in reading. Isaac has started Karate this year and has shown great dedication to the sport. He looks forward to going every week (of course we do get frozen yogurt afterward) and has just earned his first yellow belt. He also loves attending the kids yoga class every Sunday as I go next door to the adult one. He seems to gravitate toward individual sports (as I always did) and inward looking ones. He is a person that I really enjoy being around - for the most part - and someone I am so very proud to call my son. As we approach Kindergarten next year I am excited for him. He is ready, and he will do well. He makes friends easily, he is very likeable, and he has a very active interest in learning. Isaac really loves his family. He and Coco have started to play together and interact in a meaningful way. He shows compassion and deep commitment for us and so clearly would rather be with no one else. Isaac Louis I love you x 5

the sweetest rose

If I was looking at my kids personalities objectively, I would say that Isaac is so very much like me. Strong willed, intense, cautious, committed, easily disgruntled, playful, not so easy to please, incredibly loving... I see so much of myself in him, and of course so many things that all all his own. When it comes to Coco she is the person I always wished I could be: easy going, amazingly likable, trusting, willing to engage all, persistent but has the ability to move forward when its time, fun- very fun, constantly smiling, deeply loving, simply happy to be alive.
I have had the true honor of spending the last two years with this little person and I can easily say she has taught me more about myself than anyone I have ever met. Through every obstacle she has faced she has met it with strength, will, and determination. The quality I find most mind blowing is her ability to remain positive, happy, and engaged. She is clearly committed to learn and grow, while at the same time is able to have fun in the process. She looks at each day for what it is, a new opportunity, and her ability to be present in each moment has reminded me of what I need to work on. Coco and I have been pretty inseparable, a true team fighting for every step and every word. When we encountered hurdles she just kept going and often supported me and reminded me that she was not only ok, but so far better than that.
I know that we are told that we shouldn't be friends with our kids. We are their parents, not their buddies. I am pretty sure with Coco I have broken every rule in the book, and I really don't care. I can easily say that she is the kind of friend I never knew I could have. Together we have fought, and we have won. I am happy to say that today, at age 2, the gap between Coco's development, and those of a typically developing two year old is very narrow. Most who meet her would never know she had delay. She is starting to use two and three word phases when speaking. We reduced her speech therapy to once a week upon the recommendation of her speech therapist who thinks she can stop all together. We are working on walking up and down stairs, climbing, jumping, and other gross motor development, but I know it will all come, and I don't give a hoot if it doesn't. She is perfect just the way she is.
Dear Coco,
Thank you for reminding me that life is about the journey, not about the destination. Every day with you is a gift I often don't feel deserving of. You are pure light. Your smile is infectious, and your steady sense of self a constant source of happiness in my life. I can only imagine where we go from here.
Humbly...

Inspired

This past Sunday David was honored at the 5th annual IBDSF evening of inspiration. It is an event that we have been to many times in the past and one we have always supported. This year I was asked to chair the event, and seeing that David was being nominated and I wanted to give back to an organization that means so much to me, I said OK. I will admit that the process was pretty grueling. It was far more work than I anticipated, or even agreed to, and it created a fair amount of stress, but in the end I have to say that it was absolutely worth it and so rewarding to have contributed in such a meaningful way. The event was the best it had ever been, we had so many wonderful friends and family members there to support us, and I am finally feeling like we are part of the IBDSF community- so many familiar and friendly faces. Because David was honored he was asked to speak at the event. I very much wanted to keep what he had to say as a surprise. I didn't want to influence anything about the speech, and I felt the first and only time I should hear him say it was at the event. I was blown away by his openness, honesty, and very candid story. So much of it I of course know better than anyone, in fact I am not sure that I learned anything new about David, or his disease, but to hear him say the things that I already knew to such a large audience was a huge milestone, and one that made me feel pride in him and our family. I feel my friends got some new insight into what it is like to have a family member living with chronic illness, and perhaps why I make some of the choices that I do. In the end all of the work that I had done for the event and the organization was deeply appreciated and acknowledged, and David shined like he always does. Seeing him on the podium, so funny, so honest, so loving... it is a moment I will never forget. Those 15 minutes, I know will make a profound impact on several peoples lives.

'Momm-E' & 'Holy Shim'

Both of my kids have had seemed to grow up before my eyes this month. I swear there have been mornings that they have literally grown inches in their sleep or woken up more mature, with more language, or just plain sassier.
Mom and I took Coco to Vancouver at the beginning of the month, and that trip really flipped a bunch of switches in her little brain. Her language exploded. She finally found her 'e' sound and was able to say 'momm-y or bub-ie'. It was amazing to hear because up until that point she would call a baby 'baba'. I credit so much of her speech to our speech therapist who is amazing in almost every way. We debated the idea of paying out of pocket for speech for a long while, but it was the best decision we ever made. The therapist has suggest that Coco will most likely be done with therapy within the month, but I am not so sure about that. It seems like we still have some work to do, but the gap has most certainly narrowed, and the end is very much in sight.
Isaac has been more difficult than normal, testing in as many ways as he can find to show his independence. He will swing from the sweetest kid on the planet to the biggest a-hole I know (yes, I just called my kid an a-hole), but all of the behavior is age appropriate and probably important for him to experience. His favorite new saying when something goes wrong is 'Holy Shim', which has clearly come from another child. It is half hilarious, but more than half alarming, and I continue to remind him that it is 'bathroom talk'. At times I think I could deal with the Holy Shims if he would just stop testing me in other ways, but I am not sure that his behavior is taking requests at this time. The good news is that all of my friends who have Children Isaac's age are complaining about similar things. Makes me feel like it is less Isaac, more four and a half.
This summer Isaac was given a sunflower from his teachers.When we received it, it was about 4" tall, with a single leaf. Isaac and I have both been working together to keep the sunflower alive over the past several months. We bring it inside when it is too hot, We move it around depending on where the sun is, and we give it water every day - upon which Isaac always asks, 'when is the flower going to come'. I am pleased to announce that we have a flower! Here is the latest photo of our sunflower standing proud.

Entering Team III

We've done it! Our first week in team III has successfully been completed. As it always seems to happen, the anticipation and anxiety about the change was far greater than the change itself. Moving into team III meant full days (9-3) and no more napping at home). They do have a short 'rest' time on cots at school, but his teachers Patti and Carol have said that the kids aren't napping. They are optimistic that they might nap once the novelty wears off, but for now Isaac is coming home fairly tired. He makes it till about dinner time and then is exhausted. If there is a positive he is going to bed an hour earlier and getting up an hour later, and seems to still want to nap on weekends.
The new schedule has really changed my day and the chunks of time I have to work. I am going to begin having our babysitter pick up Isaac three times a week so that I can get a little extra work done, and we are going to start doing activities together in the afternoon (gymnastics, karate, and basketball).
This change seems good. He seems ready, and now that it is here I think it is exciting and positive. It makes the time that I do get to spend with him more focused and appreciated, and weekends have become all that more delicious.

Hippotherapy

We have been visiting the ride on stables for a little while now, and it has become a highlight of both coco and my week. It is located on topanga canyon at the 118 freeway which is an area surrounded by huge boulders creating mountains and valleys that are breathtaking. Our little venture to this area every week brings us out of the familiar valley scenery and into a very different world.
Horses are calming. There is something about being around them that helps me to slow my pace down. Of course you never want to spook a horse, so this in itself asks you to be conscious of your surrounding, but there is something more to it than that. The horses are magnificent, huge and steady, and demand respect and a confident calm.
I am so ever grateful to the horses Coco rides every week. They have changed her stride in so many ways, and given us so much back. The relationship Coco has with Fancy, and the other horses she rides is one of mutual understanding and love. She has learned to mount and dismount the horses. She plays with their manes and pats them firmly. She lights up when her horse arrives, and spends the next half hour with a smile on her face.
At this point Joanne and her team (there are three people to a horse and child) are working with Coco on stabilizing and strengthening her core. She rides the horsies forward, sideways, and backwards. She weaves in and out of tall obstacles, and reaches for toys that are presented to her. The horse goes up and down steps and moves slowly and more quickly depending on what Joanne wants to work on. She has even started riding some of the trails in the back of the property that offer small hills and turns.
I can speak for Coco in saying that we are both feel lucky to have had this experience. Regardless of her delay this is an activity we both enjoy and both grow and learn from. Connection to nature and animals is such an important and special early gift, I am so pleased Coco has been blessed with the opportunity to gain life experience through the eyes of her horse, Fancy.

Insurance

A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us.
John Steinbeck

I will never forget the moment I found out I was going to have a girl. I was absolutely flabbergasted. It was news that was completely unexpected - I had prepared myself for having a second boy, bathed in all of its advantages, taken out all of Isaac's old baby clothes and organized them for our new baby boy to be. I was excited about having a boy, and genuinely thought that the idea of Isaac having a brother, and us another son, was perfect. When the three lines showed up clear as day on the ultrasound monitor, and the doctor informed us that we would be having a girl, I started uncontrollably crying. It wast at this moment that I knew that I had prepared myself for having a boy because I really truly wanted the experience of having a daughter.
Over the next several months I bought adorable little dresses, talked for hours and hours about little girls names, and designed the nursery that I had always dreamed of. It was all perfect perfect perfect - in theory of course. And as much as I knew about child rearing, this being my second time around, I for whatever reason envisioned having a 'perfect' baby girl. One that came out with pigtails and a smile, running around on perfectly cut grass, eating a Popsicle, wearing a burberry skirt, and red mary janes. I fast forwarded to her at my age, and the conversations we could have together. Who would she be? Would we be alike?
And then Coco was born, and out she came - tiny and perfect... a head full of hair, the same nose I see in the mirror. I looked at her and I thought, wait, I have never imagined what you would be like as a baby! I somehow skipped forward several years, and just figured that my experience with Isaac, which was a relatively easy one, would be what I was in for the second time around.
Several months later, after her diagnosis of hypotonia, and now her diagnosis of aproxia, I am left trying to manage my expectations. Over the past week we have had such huge issues with our Insurance company, and what and who they cover for Coco's speech therapy options, that I was reminded of the idea of 'Insurance'. When you are pregnant there is NO insurance. Of course so many children are 'typically' developing, so most moms expect children to hit certain milestones at certain ages... but again there is no insurance. And when mothers do realize that their child isn't 'perfect' (and every single mother realizes this at one point or another about some aspect of their child's personality or development) I believe they look inward. How can I parent better? What more can I do for my child? What have I done wrong to 'cause' this?
In my case I have had to make a very conscious effort over the past week to look outside myself. As one of my most valued resources continues to remind me, "you have to see and enjoy Coco as who she is, not as her disability."
She is absolutely right. I so often find myself working with coco on vocabulary, instead of just enjoying all of her wonder in the moment. I often miss or don't appreciate huge developmental milestones, because I am looking for other ones. As hard as it is to watch her struggle with things that should come easily, I also have to remind myself that she doesn't know the difference at this age. She is just working as hard as she can work, and hopefully by the time she does begin to notice 'differences' she will have caught up. And... what if she doesn't? Well then I know that the persistence, will, and desire she has developed in order to achieve her personal best will only help her in the years to come.
In many ways I can relate to her, to the idea of struggle, to working hard, to feeling like I am always one step behind. I graduated from my high school ranked 6th in my class, and was able to get into any college I wanted to, but this wasn't something that EVER came easily to me. I was the kind of kid that had to read the text book six times to remember what I needed to for a test. I used to make thousands of flashcards for each exam, and then sit in my bathtub late into the night (so i wouldn't fall asleep of course) and drill myself until I didn't miss one question. I found tutors on subjects that I was having trouble grasping. I got an 860 on my SAT until I took the Princeton review and then got a 1400. I never had a natural academic gift, but I did have the gift of persistence. I have learned over time that it is that persistence that allows me to do anything I have my heart set on.
I carry that mentality with me today. I don't 'expect' to understand things. I expect to do whatever it takes to try and understand. I have VERY high expectations for myself, and for those around me. I am working on that, on my obsessive nature, my fascination with perfection, my inability to just 'be' without doing three things at once, my acceptance of those around me who aren't as persistent, my need to control all situations - even those I have absolutely no control over. I WANT to drill Coco with flashcards until she knows every word imaginable. I DONT do it, but I want to... I WANT Isaac to be diving and swimming the backstroke... but I just LET him play in the water, even though I am certain he is capable at this point. I loathe mediocrity. I want to see my kids live up their full potential, but they need to develop the tools to do this. I can only shed light on what I believe their potential may be, and push them just enough to understand the importance of following through, commitment, and struggle.
And so after our weekend of doing absolutely nothing - no therapy - no flashcards - just playing together as a family... Coco has started using several spontaneous words. Mama, Dada, Isaac, More, Up, On, In, Open, Eye, Hi, Bye bye, Awa (water), Ruff(dog), Moo(cow), E E E (Monkey). She is repeating many other words, but those have all happened spontaneously which is huge.
She is an amazing girl, in fact she IS the perfect girl that I had pictured in my head, with her pigtails and Popsicle on the grass in that plaid dress... she just has some trouble motor planning, just like I have some trouble doing Warrier 3 on my left side, or being patient, or spelling with any degree of accuracy. We all have uphill battles, but unlike Sisyphus who's rock was not cooperative, Coco continues to progress, all while loving the world she lives in, and I believe in her own world she is standing on the top of the hill, breeze in her hair, smiling about all that she is and loves.

Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Coco - 18 months

Stats at 19 months:
Weight :: 19.7 oz ( less than 0%)
Height :: 31 1/4" (25%)

We just celebrated Coco's half birthday. I was going to create several blog entries about all of the exciting things she is doing at the ripe age of a year and a half, but I thought it better to just summarize them in one complete place. To begin we have started mommy and me at discovery school. It is so strange to be back in that room. In many ways it feels like I was JUST there, in others it feels like it has been much longer than the three summers ago that I started with Isaac. Coco and Isaac both had a very similar separation anxiety at this age. For whatever reason Coco is at the height of her's which has made it exceedingly unpleasant to start all of these new activities. I do know from my experience with Isaac that this is temporary, and that it will just take her a little longer than others to get acclimated and find her groove. Eventually she will be just fine. It makes it a bit more challenging for me, but the investment is well worth it.
We started speech therapy with Coco a couple weeks ago. I am still on the fence about whether or not it has any real effect on her language, but I am going to stick with it for another month and see where it takes her. My general philosophy has been "it cant hurt", but at this very moment I am feeling so over scheduled with therapies, and mommy and me, and school, and swimming, on and on and on, that I am wondering if the hours of therapy could be better spent in a dance or music class. Would she gain more from the socialization, or just simply learn through enjoyment and experience. My gut sense is that she, like her mother, will do it all when she damn well wants to.
In all of the over scheduling we did also start hippotherapy (horse therpy) today. This seemed so well worth it. The facility was lovely, and she clearly enjoyed seeing the horses. There were some tears getting on the horse, but once she was there she seemed to enjoy it. I was so amazed at how well the program was run. There were three adults and one horse for 19 pound coco, all working together to help her move forward. It was truly remarkable.
Coco is now walking fast, almost running, starting to go up stairs (holding a hand), has several clear words (up, more, mama, dada, isaac, cat, out, in, milk, water). She is a true girl, loving accesories, brushing her hair, wearing a purse, getting her shoes on. She loved putting on her tap shoes and walking around. She enjoys dancing, jumping, coloring. She is still throwing food on the floor, and eating very limited amounts of very limited food. Her smile lights up a room, and her laughter is amazing. She has David's eyes and my nose, the mouth is up for grabs. She is giving great kisses and hugs, loves her best friend 'mr. bear' and loves her brother isaac the very most. Sesame street is her favorite show, but she can rarely sit through a book or a movie without wanting to fidget with something or move around. She is amazingly cute, very petite, and full of love.

See you later team 2!

Wow. I am going to try and write this post from a positive perspective, despite how difficult a year this has been for us at Discovery School. We started team two with the teacher that inspired us to choose Discovery as our home. Martha was amazing, she was clearly experienced, was able to engage the kids from the minute they walked in the door, and Isaac not only adored her but was clearly learning more than he ever had. Unfortunately due to a family emergency she was forced to leave teaching, very suddenly, and was replaced by teacher Dana.
Once I got over the initial shock that the teacher we loved so very much had left, I started to see Dana's strength's and accept her as Isaac's new teacher. She had her own style, but was clearly a very good teacher, loved the kids, and Isaac really liked her too. After two months Dana too left due to a personal medical emergency, and we were then given Teacher Ruth.
I could focus here on all of the things I thought Ruth needed some expereince in (she came to us with only experience as a teacher's assistant), but instead I am going to choose to discuss what Isaac gained from team 3. Isaac made friendships in his small class that were deep and meaningful to him. Many of these kids he talks about daily, and some are in his current class. Isaac found his voice, literally, now signing and participating when appropriate, and feeling more comfortable and confident in his skin. Isaac learned about superheros, weapons, good guys and bad guys, chasing, shooting, and everything I have been dreading. I haven't yet figured out how to handle this, but as his Dr. Shulman said, if you give him a stick, he is going to pretend its a gun so realize you have little control over his choices when it comes to play. He now knows most of his numbers and letters, and some basic site words. He can write his name, our names, and his sister's name. He loves stories, and his stuffed animal 'friends'. He loves school, and continues to show enthusiasm for all things in the classroom.
I will end with this story, one I want to document so that in 18 years Isaac can read it and have a good chuckle. On 'dad's' day this year at school David took Isaac, and dropped him at class. He then waited in his car for the 15 minutes he was supposed to so the kids could get ready for the dad's. In that period of time Isaac asked Ruth if he could go to the farm with one of his buddies, and his father. Ruth said ok, and when David got back to the class Isaac was gone. Ruth explained he was at the farm, and when David searched the farm, and then the rest of the school he couldn't find Isaac. Needless to say this turned into a school wide alert situation in which it took the director an additional 30 minutes to locate Isaac (in another classroom). This happened about 2 weeks before school ended, so today on the last day of team 2 we leave with a smile on our face and excitement for what is to come. Our usual emotional goodbye has been replaced with relief and gratitude for the closure we have finally received after a tumultuous year.

big steps

I was just telling my friend Elaine at dinner last night that a month ago when I was very anxious about Coco's physical progress, I decided that when she started walking I would invite all of my friends for drinks and celebrate the momentous occasion. I had the event planned in my head. The way it would feel to finally be relieved from the worry of if, and more importantly when she would take those first steps.
A week ago Coco woke up from her nap, and just like that decided to give it a go. The video above are some of her very first independent steps. Now a week later she is walking around the house; granted she is still doing a lot of crawling she can walk. She seems most proficient when there is a goal in the visible distance. She is walking from object to object; person to person. Each day her confidence grows and her steps get faster. Her arms are still up in the air as if she is holding onto our fingers, or just finding her way of balancing.
What is most notable about her new stride is the pride you can see all over her face. She KNOWS she is doing something challenging, and she is excited about her accomplishment. There is determination in her eyes, heavy concentration, and when she finally gets to her destination - relief, glory, excitement, celebration.
And so she started walking, and not once did I think about having a party, or celebrating the occasion. My first thought and instinct was: my baby is growing up. My second thought was: she is clearly celebrating her achievement with each and every step. Just being around her and watching her move is better than any party I could have.
And of course when I got into bed that night the immense joy and pleasure I thought I would feel was actually a wee bit of melancholy, and reflection about her journey. We have come so far, SHE has come so far. It is only a tiny indication of where she is headed, with speed and determination, watch out world, Coco is on her way.

Riding the Wave

this polaroid of girl surfing hangs in our bedroom. taken by: 'she hit pause' studios.

I have never surfed before. In actuality, I can barely stick a toe in the ocean. My fear of the unknown, what I can not see that lies beneath the surface has always been so great that wading in deep blue has never appealed to me. The idea of surfing which entails both wading in these waters, and then riding a completely unpredictable natural element sounds terrifying. Im sure those who surf find exactly these things the excitement of the sport. For a cautious control freak like me, I appreciate known factors and predictability. I enjoy playing within constraints, always needing at least one fixed 'known'.


In the past month this aspect of my personality has been challenged. Crohn's disease has challenged us in new ways. The details and the history of the past month are so clear in my mind, but when I woke up today wanting to write about our collective experience, it was the events surrounding the illness that I found most profound. It reminded me of one of my favorite proverbs:

" Only in darkness can you see the stars."

The result of several weeks of doctors appointments, hospital visits, blood work, scopes, and massive amounts of stress was surgery. I brought David into the ER on a Friday night, and the following afternoon we were told - without ever speaking to one of David's doctors- surgery time. Once the initial shock set in, and we were finally able to speak with the necessary parties, we agreed that it was the best next step, and important that it happen quickly. And so it did. Two hours later he was on the table, and I was alone doing everything I could to keep it together.

Saturday nights in a hospital are very quiet. There are the obvious benefits of efficiency given the low patient flow, but there is something about the quiet that is very unsettling. After David was taken back for surgery, and I literally told the surgeon to do the best resection he had ever done, I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I was crawling out of my skin with anxiety, and waiting in a person-less - dead - waiting room just wasn't something I wanted to do. I decided to seek out the 'all faith' chapel (which took some searching). When I finally found it, it seemed that it was being packed up to move; there were boxes strewn around. On the small beema / pulpit / stage was a star of david, a menorah, and a rose. There were hundreds of jewish prayer books, a single bible, and a single koran. There was comfort in being surrounded by a faith that I grew up in, but when it came to what to do in the space I was at a loss. I picked up a prayer book, thumbed through, and quickly put it down. Prayer - from a prayer book- is not a daily part of my life. Throughout my day I speak to 'god' in my own way, give thanks, ask for help, say a 'prayer' but more informally. I began to think about this as I sat on the bench in the chapel.

When do I feel most connected to god? Immediately I answered, when I feel most connected to myself. When my connected self sees the beauty in others.
When do I feel most connected to myself? Easy. Yoga. My practice, the intentions I set for myself, the closeness I feel to myself and those around me, the way it translates to my actions my words my thoughts. This is god.

And before I knew it I was in downward dog. Flowing through a few vinyasas, feeling the moistness on my skin, the tears on my cheeks, my intention very simply to find the power to get through the next hour. That was it.

Minutes later I headed up to the waiting room and was greeted by dear friends who instinctively knew how hard it must be to wait alone. Their support got me though, provided a momentary distraction, and reminded me of the connection to others I thought about only moments before. The surgeon quickly came out, was positive and hopeful about his work, and from there things have only improved.


Having gone through this same surgery (different set of issues got us there) five years ago, David and I weren't new to it as a couple, but something felt different this time around. We have grown together, understand each others fears and needs, and in the moment managed to be good to one and other and ourselves. We allowed each others families and friends to support us in a more intimate way. David was more open with work and colleagues about what was going on. We had children to think about, and to teach. Life was more complex, but ultimately we managed more gracefully. In our openness we were received with such generosity and love that it was a clear and beautiful reminder of the relationships and accomplishments we have worked so hard for.

We debated about how to tell Isaac, what to share and when to share it. Ultimately we drew a parallel between his recent surgery getting tubes. How there was something in Daddy's tummy that was making him sick, and that the doctors needed to take it out. How Daddy was strong and brave and was going to be OK, but that he needed to stay in the hospital for a week so that the doctors could watch his tummy. My mom brought the kids to the hospital for a visit when David still had his IV pole. He was given 'plaza privileges' which meant he could leave his room and meet the kids on the plaza level. Kids aren't allowed into the hospital rooms. Isaac took a long stare at the IV pole and was very curious about the different boxes and buttons. We described it as a 'super hero pole' and that all of the medications that were going into daddy's arm were giving him super powers to get better. Isaac got to press the morphine button - a thrill for both Isaac and David when the strong 'beep' could be heard. Coco was just happy to see daddy, and clearly frustrated she couldn't climb all over him. Isaac has since described feelings of sadness because daddy's tummy hurts. Fear because his scar looks so scary. I explained to Isaac that this made him a good person because he showed 'empathy'. We spoke for a long time about this idea. Why it is important that we feel for others. Why when our family isn't well, we are not well.

Our extended (and in many ways nuclear) families have been so unbelievably supportive through this. Davids mom immediately flew out to be with him, and his brother came just after he left. My parents flew home from their trip to NY the day after they arrived with no hesitation. Without them this whole ordeal would have been nearly impossible. I continue to question how people manage without family and friends in these emergency situations. It is so critical to have people you can lean on, and to be a person in this world that others can lean on.

As for me - it was so difficult to figure out how I wanted to be supported. Some days I would wake up and just want to crawl back into bed. Others I would want my friends to pick me up for breakfast help me escape for a little while. Each day it would change. I immediately knew I had to cancel all plans in the immediate future. The plans were making me anxious. I didn't feel like being around groups of people, and I wanted to make sure I could be there for David. Again it was about the waves. Being unable to anticipate them, unable to know what was bubbling below the surface. The waves, they would come and go, ebb and flow. When I mentioned this to a dear friend of mine while I was spending a bunch of time at the hospital she said, just let me support you. I will figure out how. And then hours later a text message to meet her and some of my close friends at a restaurant near the hospital. And as soon as I arrived I knew it was exactly what I needed. They brought a thoughtfully packed care package, and their beautiful smiling faces that helped me make it through the final couple days.

care package

contents

Today I can easily say I have grown; as a wife, as a mother, as a friend, as a designer, ... Each of my hats fit a little more comfortably. They have all been challenged, put to the test. Each have survived, have thrived, have grown. I am a more empathetic person, more patient, more understanding.

"Now that i am more nearly a grown member of the human race...she thought that she had never before had a chance to realize the strength human beings have, to endure; she loved and revered all those who had ever suffered, even those who had failed to endure."

I have learned to surf. Perhaps not in the deep blue sea, but in my life I am surfing. Standing steady, riding the waves; each unpredictable, their timing varied and unknown, the depths below filled with life that I cant always see. In this moment I am in the 'barrel', surrounded by support and love, with only light in sight. I love surfing today. Tomorrow I could fall off the board gasping for air, but today, today I love surfing.

little LEAGUE

I have intentionally waited a couple weeks to write this post because I have had to recover from the initial terrible, horrible, no good very bad day we first started little league. I have wanted to sign Isaac up for a team sport for a while now. He loves playing soccer with Coach Louis at Discovery School, so I figured it would be a good experience for him to get on a team with kids his own age, and try something new. After deciding on tball through the parks and rec, I called their office the morning of - having not received anything in the mail - and asked what was required for the first practice. The lady on the phone told me to bring a mit, cleats, baseball pants, and socks. REALLY?!!! I asked. That seems like a lot for a four year old, but she said yes. So I made an emergency dash to sports chalet and picket up all of the accoutrements. I woke grumpy Isaac from his nap, and took the whole family to the park figuring Coco could play in the toddler area while we watched him practice. When there was no sign of kids, or anything tball related I went into the office and asked where the practice was being held.
A car ride, and a couple miles later we finally found field 8, and a bunch of little kids NOT IN UNIFORM. I gasped, have I just created a situation where my kid is the only one in uniform, and the outcast? How could I have not been more prepared, double checked, brought a change of clothes. And then I noticed that he was so proud of being 'different' and that the kids looked at him (the biggest kid in the group) with admiration. Lesson learned, at four different is ok, even cool. I bathed in that for a moment knowing very soon this would change.
And then the couch opened his mouth, I remembered how much I hate organized sports. This guy/coach was treating the kids like they were teenagers, and clearly had no idea how to coach. Run to first base! Isaac looked at him like... what? He had no idea what that even meant. I turned to the mother next to me and asked, isn't this supposed to be fun. She said smiling, its sports.
Watching Isaac amongst these kids he didn't know, and a coach that was, well, mean, was one of the first times I observed him having to cope with a life situation that wasn't in his comfort zone. And then I realized that he was actually fine with it, it was me that was having the melt down. He is still my baby - or at least I thought he was before we (he) stepped foot on that field. I quickly realized that we were untying one more cord of connection from his body to mine. For the next forty five minutes he was going to have to fend for himself and decide if this was something that he enjoyed.
The minute practice was over Isaac came rushing out, I HAVE TO POO. Oh no. The park only had a storage room and bathroom for the coaches, so I had to ask mean coach if he would let us in, and after much begging he did, where of course Isaac refused to go to the bathroom. So we headed to the car where he decided he REALLY HAD TO GO. But wanted to wait until we got home. It was the car ride home from hell, but once we got home, and he used the bathroom, and the trauma settled he looked at me and said mommy, when do I get to play tball again. And then I realized... my kid is resilient, maybe I'm the one who needs to grow up.
And so last week at practice we showed up in shorts and a tshirt, took it for what it was, and had a good time. I was still the nervous parent on the bench making sure my kid was advocating for himself, getting his turn, using the glove on the correct hand. In this situation, where almost every father is on the field coaching their own kid, I felt it necessary to watch from a distance over my own. If nothing else I am sure this experience will allow both of us to grow, both apart and together. In fact I believe it already has.

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Bugs

Seems like every spring we are faced with some health challenges. At this point I have come to expect them. I am so on top of it, and so well seasoned at this point that at the first sign of something I can call it - even if it is a strange and very rare thing. A fever with crankiness to follow= roseola. A tiny limp in Isaac's leg = toxic synovitis. A fever with pain when sucking her thumb= Hand Foot Mouth. Perhaps it is that I have seen these run through my household, or a close friends household at least once. Or the warnings that come in Isaac's mailbox, "a child in your class has xyz". Those certainly are tip offs to the what is about to ensue, but I chalk it up to mother's intuition.
Isaac's second bout with the strange "i just woke up and i cant walk illness" otherwise known as toxic synovitis was not as bad as the first. He could express his discomfort which helped, and he could walk with a heavy limp. With a last minute trip by mom to Dr. Shulman's office and a little Motrin he recovered quickly, and was at school the next day.
Hand foot and mouth sucked a whole lot more. After a long day of meetings Coco cried all the way in the car to dinner. At that point I already knew she had HFM, so this was just confirmation. We headed to the Pediatric Urgent Care and confirmed the diagnosis. The doctor was awful, Coco was upset, it was a no fun experience. With Tylenol it was manageable, but she was certainly not herself and very needy of love and extra attention. It effected her ability to eat (you could see the large sores on her tongue hands and feet)and I believe they are still bothering because her appetite isn't what it was. It has only been 5 days since the diagnosis, so I will give it a few more before I worry.
These are the big ticket items that are strung together by colds, coughs, and general spring un-wellness. With April first around the corner I can only hope that we are at the end of our spring string, and heading into a much healthier period of time. We have kept it in perspective, and with each hurdle we manage to climb over feel stronger and more capable to deal with the cards we are dealt. After all they are just cards that come and go - and with a strong KNOCK ON WOOD- we are parents who feel tremendously lucky to be able to wave goodbye to the illnesses as they head out of our house, and probably and unfortunately into another.

Fast Friends

These two monkeys are a force to be reckoned with. Their energy is so big, so loud, so fast, that it has become much more than a two on one battle. There have been moments over the past week where I have thought to myself 'on no, i am in for some trouble'. And then of course I am delighted that they have started playing together, and entertaining each other, regardless of the amount of mischief and mess it is causing our household. Coco only wants to be around Isaac. She loves to scream and rough house, and finds ANYTHING he does laugh out loud funny. The game of the week seems to be Coco and Isaac sitting in the back seat of the car throwing their 'money milk' at each other. Coco will put it on her head then do a 'peek a boo' which Isaac responds to, then she throws it to Isaac who whips it back in her face causing her to laugh from deep within her belly. And it doesn't' get old. They can keep it up on the entire 20 minute drive to and from school every single day.
They have been having 'private parties' where they go into Isaac's room and screech and throw pillows, and laugh... while I wait outside for the first indication of party's over - which is always Coco crying from being pummeled to the ground. BUT SHE DOESN'T CARE. She loves it and goes back for more time and time again. My general philosophy as a parent is to let them be as loud as they want, as rough as they want, have as much fun as they want, while carefully observing so that nobody gets seriously injured. I think that this is their bonding time, and the less involvement from me the better. If there is one thing I have learned through my relationship with my brother is that we have the most fun when it is just the two of us. We can hang out on our terms and enjoy each other without any of the baggage our parents bring to the table. I completely respect my kids need for time alone getting into things, scheming, and going to war against mom and dad. It is fun to see Isaac in the big brother role, and Coco's admiration for him. It is a constant reminder of why we chose to have our number two, who we now couldn't imagine our lives without.

asdfasd

We visited Isaac's open house this week at school and had the opportunity to meet some of the teachers in team III (where he will be next year) as well as see some of the things he has been working on in Teacher Ruth's class. The focus of this month has been Art. The students have been learning about famous artists, van Gouh, Picasso, Pollock, and have been doing art based in the style of those they are studying. They have also been reading stories, and then illustrating their own books. I have to say I had some disappointment when I saw the art projects that were focused on the work of specific famous artists. The van Gogh sunflowers were all so similar. Clearly teacher directed work with little room for the students own interpretation. I spoke with his teacher about it, and asked her to come up with a project where there were some parameters, but where the children were allowed to express their own creativity. I loved the results in Isaac's 10 apples on top project. Each drawing was clearly his, and looked very different from that of his classmates. Although they all shared the same quantity of apples, the styles and methods varied. I wanted to share Isaac's book with a smile because I thought it was a wonderful reflection of how his creative juices are flowing at age 4.

15 months, a tiny spitfire

At 15 months here are here stats:
wt. 18lb <0%
ht 29.5" 25%

And now lets talk about things that actually matter. Coco is crawling ferociously. It has allowed her to get anywhere she needs to go very quickly, she can pull up, cruise, squat up and down and has started trying to stand in the middle of the room if she has something or somebody to grab onto. If steadied she can stand for a second or two, but has a long way to go till she will be standing on her own. Walking still seems like an insurmountable milestone, and with that being said i know it will happen sooner than I think. She continues to make physical progress, so that too will happen when its time.
She understands anything you say to her and responds. If you even say 'night night' or 'nap time' or 'sleep' in a sentence unrelated to her you will look over and she will be laying on the floor with her thumb in her mouth. She can point out all of her body parts. She loves mimicking actions and sounds:

She still has few words, and we are guessing her speech will be delayed as it is with most children with low tone, but I am confident she will get there. She doesn't stop talking and trying to make sounds, so think it is just a matter of putting it all together.
She rarely gets cranky, has an incredibly flexible schedule and loves her big brother. Her eating has become more fussy with now only a few things she adores, and others she tolerates. Most go directly onto the floor. We have been doing a music class and a my gym class together both of which she really really enjoys. She is very social, loves to be the center of attention, but also carefully observes. Coco is most certainly a girl. Her shoes, hats, and any other accessory are a must for daily wardrobe - already - and she LOVES putting them on and taking them off. With that said she has no interest in her dolls, but only in Isaac's cars as she drives them around the floor making an incredibly loud - WHREEEEEE! sound. She is pointing at things that interest her, or things in a book as you read them, and is clearly starting to be present in the world and experiences she is living in. Her smile is contagious, and everyone around her, including strangers wants to eat her up. There isn't a time when I go to the market where I am not stopped and asked how old she is, or told how cute she is.
Proud mama knows that she's got something special. Of course there is that discrepancy in her age and cognitive ability, and small size that makes her seem like an amazingly cute baby genius, but considering her uphill battle physically we will take all the compliments we can get. And what girl doesn't love a compliment.

super tubes

In December at Coco's one year checkup we took Isaac to Dr. Shulman's for his hearing. We had noticed while away in Florida that there was clearly something very wrong with his ears. We would ask him a question and typically receive a 'what' or 'what did you say' every time. There were many instances of us saying "Isaac" with no response in return. At the time we thought it could have been the plane flight, or the series of colds he had, but after a month with no improvement we knew we had to bring him in. His hearing was tested in December, January, February, and in March when there was very little improvement we knew it was time to see Dr. Stroker, a pediatric ENT. She immediately said "lets discuss tubes". There was a tremendous amount of fluid buildup in Isaac's ears that was not allowing him to hear. She was certain hat the surgery was necessary, and we immediately scheduled it for a couple days later. I loved Dr. Stroker. She was comforting, and lovely, and spoke to me as an equal. She also had a dog named 'Winston' that she brings with her and comforts the patients. Isaac was so wrapped up in getting kisses from the dog I cold have a proper conversation with the doctor. The pup clearly brought him a sense of comfort and fun, because when the doctor explained that he was going to need tubes in his ears, and then showed him what they looked like, he didn't seem the least bit phased by it. I took Isaac for a frozen yogurt on the way home and talked to him a little about the procedure. He was mostly concerned about what the mask looked like, for anesthesia, and wanted to see photos. I am not sure he was buying my 'super hero mask' cover up story, but he also didn't seem anxious or overly concerned. I did explain it would help him have 'super hearing' which was so so important, and I think he too was ready to hear.
On Thursday morning at 6am we headed to the Surgical Center near our house. We bought Isaac a pup to take with him, Doug from the movie 'UP'. It was the perfect distraction and delight for our little boo. Money milk and toots also joined him as we were called into the pr-op area. I could tell at this point Isaac was getting a little nervous, but still was very composed and surprisingly pleasant for a kid who was denied anything to eat that morning. When Dr. Stroker told him it was time go with her, and he realized I couldn't come with, he got upset for the first time, but after a solid hug and a little pep talk he was off. I waited in the waiting room while David ran across with street to Starbucks, and not 8 minutes later the doctor was out and I was allowed to go back. David was still at Starbucks.
The hardest part for Isaac was coming out of anesthesia, he was disoriented, angry, in pain, and a big old mess. It was pretty hard to watch, and I know that both David and I felt very helpless. He complained constantly of having pain in his ears, and 'wanted the tubes out'. After a twenty minute nap, our Isaac returned as if nothing happened. No more complaining, only joy for the treats we had bought him for being so brave, and Bubie who had come for a visit.
And now a few days later there is noticeable improvement. He spent the weekend with my parents at the beach, and when I called him I didn't once get a 'what', only crystal clear conversation back and forth. It was the first time in months I could talk to him on the phone without disruption, and I knew then, it was all worth it.

Our State of the Union

Seeing that tonight is our president's state of the union address, I am inspired to give a brief one to document our current state. I have to say (knock wood) that the Soren's are in a state of equilibrium. For this brief moment in time both kids are in a very good place, seem content, and have started seeing each other as true siblings and playmates.

Isaac has developed a whole knew sense of fierce independence. He is always completely dressed - head to toe- before David and I get out of bed in the morning. He required 'privacy' to do this, and relishes in the opportunity to come marching out in a new wardrobe change. He can play very independently, or with his sister. He is at a stage where he would much prefer to play than to watch tv or a movie. He loves all of his animal 'friends' who are searching for a tiny spot of real estate in his bed. His bedtime is creeping closer to 9, but primarily because he is having big late naps from 2-5. He continues to ask challenging questions and make very astute observations about the world around him. He loves school, and has adapted with very little disruption to his third new teacher, Teacher Ruth.

Coco continues with each day to become more physical. She can pull up on almost anything, cruise furniture (slowly and with caution), climb steps, do a mean downward dog, stand up holding onto someone. She is finding new joy and excitement in her explorations now that she is a very proficient crawler. She is able to jot around the house with ease, and keep up with her lightning fast playmate. She has started both a music and a my gym class, both of which she adores. She is the center of attention in these classes, the social butterfly, and the gal all the little boys are drawn to.

David is working intensely on two very exciting projects. He continues to receive accolades for his directing skills and involvement with his projects. Due to confidentiality I cant leak too much more than that, but I do think this week there will be a big press release after which I can chat all I want. His health has been stable (again knock wood) and hasn't seemed to disrupt any of the amazingness that he is on a daily basis. He has started practicing yoga and seems to be enjoying it very much.

As for me, I am enjoying being in the middle of all that surrounds me. I have been reading like crazy and enjoying almost all of it. Both of my book clubs provide me with rich thought and discussion. Very different in their conception and intention I enjoy them both for such different reasons, and appreciate the women who read along side me and remind me of the importance of continued learning. My yoga practice continues to gain momentum and center me. Hungary Louis has received some exciting accolades soon to be announced. My friends are steady and loving. My family supportive. Lots of feeling very lucky and good about where I am today, on the 25th of January. Life is certainly not without struggles or challenges, but nothing seems insurmountable, or Sisyphean. We are moving forward while taking our own beautiful and unique path with lots of pit stops along the way.

Crawling Forward

Its been a while in the making, but she is on the go. It happened out of the blue, as I knew it would. One day it all just came together, and the desire was there, and off she went. The crawl isn't fast, or particularly elegant, but it is pretty amazing to watch. She is beginning to explore the house little by little, and remind us that all of the time we haven't had to baby proof has been a gift. I am so used to knowing where she is at all times that it has made dealing with Isaac's wild rompings much easier. With both of them on the go, I too am more on the go with a lot more attending to and separating of property.
Her new ability to get around has brought her closer to her brother. It is so fun to watch them interact and begin to play with one and other. It has also brought with it some frustration on Isaac's part. She is definately all up in his business, wants to play with what is is playing with. Pulls apart his puzzles while he is trying to work on them, messes with his cars, goes into his closet and starts pulling out toys or books. His reaction is either one of irritation, or excitement. Depends completely on his mood. Regardless it is the beginning of watch them settle their own going ons, so I have for the most part been sitting back and watching things unravel. In the end I often step in to make sure Coco isn't thrown to the ground, but she is amazingly good at holding her own.

on being four

Its all about the questions. None of them are particularly easy to answer. All of them require some thought and preparation before responding. They are an indication of his growing maturity, curiosity, introspection, and persistence.
Just today we have broached the subjects of both death and money.
He randomly said to me while we were playing on the living room rug, "Mommy I dont want to die". This lead into a large discussion about what death means, when we die, who he knows who is old, who he doesn't want to die. He even mentioned his 'Gramma Joyce'. He told me that she was old, and asked if she was going to die one day. We spoke openly and honestly about it. It was one of the first times that I really felt I could. I also realized that having a child that understands death, is curious about it, is beginning to wrap his head around the idea of it... makes him less a child and more a boy. To know your own mortality is to know your place in this world, at least I think so. It requires him to understand that he will not live forever, that life is a temporary condition, and that we must be careful with our bodies. I have been dreading this conversation for a long time - the death conversation. In that dread I had rehearsed how I would respond. Various explanations, ways of allowing him to understand, relate, without it all seeming so scary or bleak. I didn't want to be taken off guard. I wanted to be prepared. I think we (Isaac and I) did that conversation very proud. I am waiting for the follow up... "Mommy what happens to us after we die". I will start preparing for that one next.
And then of course, money. It started by a simple trip to whole foods where he wanted to buy strawberries. Of course, I only would allow organic strawberries, especially in winter, which cost upward of a zillion dollars, so I explained to Isaac the idea of seasonal produce. Why we are better off purchasing Oranges instead of Strawberries. This lead to a conversation about money. Where do we get it, why daddy goes to work, what cost money, what cost more money. There was without exaggerating over a hundred questions on the subject before the sweet sound of silence flooded my car. And then, as we drove into our driveway several hours later, in very typical Isaac fashion, after it has all had time to marinade, he asked "Mommy does our house cost more than our cars?" And so again I realized, CLICK! It is all coming together for him. All of the synapses are firing at a light speed, and my boy is quickly on his way to becoming something else.
He is four, a big four. Tall for his age. Incredibly articulate. Very mature. An exceptional storyteller. Very much enjoying roll play and dress up. Superheros, cars, trucks. He has become incredibly physical. The park no longer poses any obstacles for him. Mostly he is kind and considerate. Always thinking of his friends. Very prone to making sure others are ok. In love with his sister. Engaged at school, and growing each week with new knowledge. He is finally recognizing all letters, and what sounds they make. He can tell you what most words start with. Is beginning to recognize some basic three letter words. Numbers, not so much.
We are very much at a state of equilibrium. He is loving, pleasant, easy to adore, fun to spend time with, and actually really great to have a conversation with. Isaac observes the world with keen eyes. He has always observed. I love this about him. I love everything about him.
This very little person, this boy, all 38 pounds of him are rich and complex and everything I ever dreamed my child would be. Happy birthday to my beautiful four year old boy who wears his dreams on his sleeve. This year is going to be magical.